A Golfer's Dream
A golfer, now into his golden years, had a lifelong ambition to play the 17th hole at TPC Sawgrass in Ponte Vedre , Florida , exactly the way the pros do it.
The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the small green that is on a small spit of land. It was something the golfer had tried hundreds of times without success. His ball had always fallen short, into the water.
Because of this, he never used a new ball on this particular hole. He always picked out one that had a cut or a nick, as did many other "average" golfers when negotiating very challenging holes.
Recently he went to Sawgrass to try again.
When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old, cut ball as usual, and
Said a silent prayer. However, before he could hit the ball, a powerful voice from above seemed to be booming out from the clouds, saying,
"Wait! Replace that old ball with a brand new one, a Titleist ProV1 if you have it."
The golfer complied, with some slight misgivings, despite the fact that this same force seemed to be implying that he was going to finally achieve his lifelong ambition.
As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again, "Wait. Step back. Take a practice swing."
So he stepped back and took a practice swing, certain now that this heavenly force was going to make his dream come true.
The voice boomed out again, "Take another practice swing."
Dutifully, he did. He stopped expectantly and waited; a long silence followed.
Then, the voice again, "Use the old ball."
Ed & Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.
When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said,
"I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"
Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."
Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses.
"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up
his putter, and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.
"I'm dying here and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the
second hole and he's coming to help you.
"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.
"No time at all," says her husband.
"Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."
A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson,
"You are spectacular; your name is synonymous with the game of golf.
You really know your way around the course.
What's your secret?"
"The holes are numbered."
A young man and a priest are golfing together.
At a short par-3 the priest asks,
"What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"
The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"
The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."
The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.
The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.
The young man says,
"I don't know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep
our head down."
Greetings Golf Friends,
You may not know it but I've been very busy over the past two years putting my thoughts and ideas together in a book about Golf. I am very proud of the results and in order to market the publication, I'm asking friends and family to be the first to own a copy. Here's the Table of Contents from my new book, "Winning Golf Strategies", which I believe gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I've gained through my own years of experience in the game and observation of golfing partners.
Table of Contents
Chapter 1 - How to properly line up your fourth putt.
Chapter 2 - How to hit a Nike from the rough when you hit a Titleist from the tee.
Chapter 3 - How to avoid the water when you lie 8 in a bunker.
Chapter 4 - How to get more distance off the shank.
Chapter 5 - When to give the ranger the finger.
Chapter 6 - Using your shadow on the green to maximize earnings.
Chapter 7 - When to implement Handicap Management.
Chapter 8 - Proper excuses for drinking beer before 9 a.m.
Chapter 9 - How to urinate behind a 4" x 4" post, ...undetected.
Chapter 10 - How to rationalize a 6 hour round.
Chapter 11 - How to find that ball that everyone else saw go in the water.
Chapter 12 - Why your spouse doesn't care that you birdied the 5th.
Chapter 13 - How to let a foursome play through your twosome.
Chapter 14 - How to relax when you are hitting 3 off the tee.
Chapter 15 - When to suggest major swing corrections to your opponent.
Chapter 16 - God and the meaning of The-Birdie-To-Bogey-Putt.
Chapter 17 - When to regrip your ball retriever.
Chapter 18 - Use a strong grip on the hand wedge and a weak slip on the foot wedge.
Chapter 19 - Why male golfers will pay $5.00 a beer from the cart girl and give her a $3.00 tip, but will balk at a $3.50 beer at the 19th hole and stiff the bartender.
Hopefully you will find my book intriguing and purchase a copy.
Some great caddy put downs
Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction.."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
Golfer: "How do you like my game ?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
#1 Best Caddy Reply...
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.
"During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level.
I described a typical day this way:
"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 Miles through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles.
I got sand in my shoes, eyes and hair.
I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills.
I took a few leaks behind some big trees.
The mental stress of it all left me shattered.
At the end of it all I drank eight beers.
Inspired by the story, the doctor said,
"You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"
"No," I replied, "I'm just a shitty golfer".
When I die, bury me on the golf course, so my husband will visit.
I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced.
I've spent most of my life golfing. The rest I've just wasted.
They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken.
The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody put a flag stick on top.
Pete Dye (His golf courses reflect this belief!!!)
Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.
It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.
Golf is a game in which you yell "fore", shoot six, and write down five.
Give me golf clubs, fresh air & a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?
The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.
Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are inclined to do, and you will probably come very close to having a perfect golf swing.
Go play golf. Go to the golf course. Hit the ball. Find the ball. Repeat until the ball is in the hole. Have fun. The end.
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
Golf is a game in which one endeavors to control a ball with implements ill adapted for the purpose.
A golfer's diet: live on greens as much as possible ..
Gone golfin' ... back about dark thirty.
Born to golf. Forced to work.
My body is here, but my mind has already teed off .
Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them.
May thy ball lie in green pastures .... and not in still waters.
If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle.
The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.
Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of bagpipes.
From a 1992 bootleg concert. John Denver was singing a parody of "16 Tons" - "18 Holes".
It's a very funny song and has never been released.
Click on John Denver live - 18 Holes (1992, Subtitled)
My Boss Phoned Me Today
"Is everything okay at the office?"
I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped."
"Can you do me a favor?" he asked.
I said, "Of course, what is it?"
Speed it up a little, I'm in the foursome behind you.
"A fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first two holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first fellow said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.
The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, and while counting his $80.00, the second guy confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them...."
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