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During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level.
I described a typical day this way:
"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 Miles through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles.
I got sand in my shoes, eyes and hair.
I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills.
I took a few leaks behind some big trees.
The mental stress of it all left me shattered.
At the end of it all I drank eight beers.
Inspired by the story, the doctor said,
"You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"
"No," I replied, "I'm just a shitty golfer".
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When I die, bury me on the golf course, so my husband will visit.
Author Unknown
I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced.
Author Unknown
I've spent most of my life golfing. The rest I've just wasted.
Author Unknown
They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken.
Raymond Floyd
The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody put a flag stick on top.
Pete Dye (His golf courses reflect this belief!!!)
Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.
Jim Bishop
It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.
Hank Aaron
Golf is a game in which you yell "fore", shoot six, and write down five.
Paul Harvey
Give me golf clubs, fresh air & a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
Jack Benny
Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?
Al Boliska
The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.
Billy Graham
Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are inclined to do, and you will probably come very close to having a perfect golf swing.
Ben Hogan
Go play golf. Go to the golf course. Hit the ball. Find the ball. Repeat until the ball is in the hole. Have fun. The end.
Chuck Hogan
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
Jack Lemmon
It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
Mark Twain
Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
Harry Vardon
Golf is a game in which one endeavors to control a ball with implements ill adapted for the purpose.
Woodrow Wilson
A golfer's diet: live on greens as much as possible ..
Author Unknown
Gone golfin' ... back about dark thirty.
Author Unknown
Born to golf. Forced to work.
Author Unknown
My body is here, but my mind has already teed off .
Author Unknown
Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them.
Jimmy DeMaret
May thy ball lie in green pastures .... and not in still waters.
Author Unknown
If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle.
Author Unknown
The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.
George Deukmejian
Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of bagpipes. |
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My Boss Phoned
Me Today
"Is everything okay at the office?"
I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a
very busy day, I haven't stopped."
"Can you do me a favor?" he asked.
I said, "Of course, what is it?"
Speed it up a little, I'm in the foursome behind
you."
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A
fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole
when a second golfer approached and asked if he could
join him. The first said that he usually played alone,
but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the
first two holes. The second guy said, "We're about
evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a
hole?" The first fellow said that he wasn't much for
betting, but agreed to the terms.
The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with
ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, and while
counting his $80.00, the second guy confessed that he
was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on
suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the
Parish Priest.
The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to
return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and
square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your
winnings."
The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up
to you?"
The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday
and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your
mother and father along, I'll marry them...." |
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